wishing and hoping...

So I've had this blog for a few months, but have been hesitant to use it for anything more than having an account to view my friends' blogs.
This weekend I've done a lot of thinking, and decided that I usually am able to sort through the things that bother me in life the best by writing them out. I've always been this way. My journals are full of entries from when I'm trying to work something out or don't understand why things are going the way they are.
I don't really care if anyone never sees the entries I type in this blog, it's simply my way of getting out the thoughts I feel inside.

Tonight I'm feeling unsettled.
Unsettled by friendships, unsettled by living arrangements, by job security, by relationships... I feel like right now I'm the blindfolded pilot of a plane in a downward spiral heading towards the ground and I've handed over the controls of the plane to a better pilot, One who has more experience and can actually see the ground and change the course of the plane, yet I have now taken the co-pilot seat and though the blindfold may be off, I can now only see slightly through the dense fog of clouds into the haze that is our pathway. He's flying the plane and I'm hanging on trusting He knows what He's doing, all the while panicking inside because this isn't how I saw the plane ride going. I'm wanting to take the controls back, but know that I am unable to adequately fly the plane by myself, and so I trust Him.

unsettling things..
friendships..
I feel like I'm stuck in a "friendship" where I'm drowning. My opinions, thoughts, and cares are no longer being considered, they are suffocated, and while you might say, "Back out! That's not healthy, you're in control of this." You'd be partially correct. The part though that keeps me from this is that The other person in the relationship is drowning in a much deeper pool than I am. While I may know how to swim, this person is using me as her floatation device to try and stay afloat as her life crumbles, and if I pull out of the relationship she will surely sink. Now while that may sound conceited and very prideful, it is the truth, and I don't even want to think of what things would be like if I left, what if something happened? I'd ultimately feel responsible. I don't know how to back out while still helping her stay afloat. Another friendship I feel is deceptive and based on lies. I have this great conviction to get out from all deceptions, and want this friend to just come clean with those she is deceiving in her life, so that I no longer feel like I'm trapped in her web of lies to her family and/or friends. I know the truth, and while I know I feel burdened to keep the truth, which I hate. I feel like as big a hypocrite as she is. How do I remedy this? I can't blow the whistle on her lies, but I also can't sit back.. where's my happy medium. There isn't one!

living arrangements..
While I love living at home, I long to be out on my own, able to spread my wings and just be an adult yet, I know full well that because of my job I have to be at home. Subbing doesn't allow me to have a consistent income that will pay rent. Add into that my lack of a car due to some wonderful person who apparently needed my car more than me (or needed its parts at least), and you have this wonderful circle of dependency.

job...
I love teaching. I love high schoolers (even when they are being a pain in the butt). I don't love subbing. I miss having my own classroom, my own kids I see everyday, being able to develop relationships, knowing where I was going to be everyday of the week for months at a time. I hate the inconsistency of this job. I hate never knowing what subject let alone school I will be teaching daily. I've thought of just moving to DC and pursuing Museum Ed. I love the east coast, and miss DC like you wouldn't believe, but picking up and leaving just can't be an option, otherwise my last year and a half's worth of grad school is down the drain because of my credential. I feel stuck.

Relationships...
Watching all my friends get married has made me long for something that is not there. I know it's all about God's timing, and I'm learning my trust lessons (more than you know) but I still can't help feeling that tug of regret on my heart. Last night my parents and I went to dinner with family friends. We were at some of their friends from when they were my age's house. My parents and these three couples used to do so much together. Many of my early childhood memories revolve around the people at the dinner table last night. As we all ate, and laughed, and talked, I thought about how I want that. I want to have couples who when Im married I can sit around the table and there's a safety, a comfort, a security with. They know you and understand you and there's no proving grounds.
I guess I'm just in one of those moods..
Now Im sure not all of my posts will be this heavy, I definitely plan to write about my subbing experiences otherwise I won't remember the "joys" of subbing, but tonight I just feel this heaviness on my heart.
The tensions and everything with the elections only seem to compound it too.
I'm just praying that God does a mighty work in these next few days in our nation.