adventures in subbing and the fires

Subbing.. o boy.. This last week was quite the week for characters.. I subbed one day for the computer keyboarding teacher. He also serves as the ALC teacher during one of his periods. (ALC is where the office sends the kids you kick out of your class for either the rest of the day or the rest of the period) It's basically jail. The kids there don't care what you say, because they're already in trouble and you can't do anything else to them. Of course they don't come with any work to do or if they do have work they lie and say they don't. It's a fun filled hour of torture for the teacher. Then, on Thursday, I subbed for a friend of mine in Freshman english. Gotta love freshmen! In my 4th period class after having the "Great Shake Up" (simulated 7.8 earthquake drill) I confiscated a remote control fart machine. Now this would've made my day had I been able to collect the remote as well as the machine, because I could've then used it for my own enjoyment at lunch with the guys. (but no the child didn't want to own up to who the owner of the machine was and so I was left with a machine that makes noises, but no way to control the noises) :( Needless to say it was an entertaining week at the high school. Unfortunately for me because the air quality is so bad b/c of the fires schools have been closed for the last two days. Of course these would be days that I actually had subbing assignments. So after a weekend of stress, and anxiety, I'm glad the fires are under control down here and life can return to normal.

adventures in car shopping

So after a month of having no real car of my own I finally have my own car.
While car shopping is never really easy, this seemed to be even more frustrating and comical all at the same time. I went through I can't tell you how many car salesman and by the end of the experience I think I gave the last few a run for their money (especially since they didn't meet my sales people criteria).. Along the way we met a few characters.. First there was the guy who spoke almost no english. (we think he wasn't really a salesman, but since he was locking cars and we were walking up he decided to try his hand at it) We called him Sinbad when it was all over. There was no introduction so we never really found out his name, and he apparently had a hard time talking to girls, because even though I was the one buying the car and telling him what I liked or didn't like he only talked to my dad. That needless to say didn't win him any points. I knew more about the car than he did too... That was also scary. He finally handed us off to the man we affectionately dubbed " cancer man" after Sinbad, we were relieved to have someone who spoke to me and asked me the questions and actually spoke english well enough to be understood. We test drove the car, and then said that we wanted to look into our financing and he would get back to us about a few of the questions I had. As we were walking into the dealership for him to get me some brochures he randomly pops out with "I had cancer in 2006 and lost my daughter..." I'm like whoa.. where'd that come from? Sad, yes, it was. But then you feel bad if you don't by the car from the man, because you know he's a cancer survivor who lost his daughter like 2 years ago, and he was really nice, but still that's kinda awkward.

So we finally decide to take one last look at Hondas (my dad's decision not mine) and while there the salesman couldn't even remember my name and was telling me how to drive on a wide open empty road that had no lane markings on it. (apparently I couldn't see the invisible oncoming cars that were about to crash head on into me) So he got the x as well. We finally went back to visit Sean. Thank God for Sean. He was normal, not a salesman out to pitch anything at all. He's who got our money. It was such a relief after being at the circus of car dealerships to have a normal person who's not trying to rope you into anything you don't want.

wishing and hoping...

So I've had this blog for a few months, but have been hesitant to use it for anything more than having an account to view my friends' blogs.
This weekend I've done a lot of thinking, and decided that I usually am able to sort through the things that bother me in life the best by writing them out. I've always been this way. My journals are full of entries from when I'm trying to work something out or don't understand why things are going the way they are.
I don't really care if anyone never sees the entries I type in this blog, it's simply my way of getting out the thoughts I feel inside.

Tonight I'm feeling unsettled.
Unsettled by friendships, unsettled by living arrangements, by job security, by relationships... I feel like right now I'm the blindfolded pilot of a plane in a downward spiral heading towards the ground and I've handed over the controls of the plane to a better pilot, One who has more experience and can actually see the ground and change the course of the plane, yet I have now taken the co-pilot seat and though the blindfold may be off, I can now only see slightly through the dense fog of clouds into the haze that is our pathway. He's flying the plane and I'm hanging on trusting He knows what He's doing, all the while panicking inside because this isn't how I saw the plane ride going. I'm wanting to take the controls back, but know that I am unable to adequately fly the plane by myself, and so I trust Him.

unsettling things..
friendships..
I feel like I'm stuck in a "friendship" where I'm drowning. My opinions, thoughts, and cares are no longer being considered, they are suffocated, and while you might say, "Back out! That's not healthy, you're in control of this." You'd be partially correct. The part though that keeps me from this is that The other person in the relationship is drowning in a much deeper pool than I am. While I may know how to swim, this person is using me as her floatation device to try and stay afloat as her life crumbles, and if I pull out of the relationship she will surely sink. Now while that may sound conceited and very prideful, it is the truth, and I don't even want to think of what things would be like if I left, what if something happened? I'd ultimately feel responsible. I don't know how to back out while still helping her stay afloat. Another friendship I feel is deceptive and based on lies. I have this great conviction to get out from all deceptions, and want this friend to just come clean with those she is deceiving in her life, so that I no longer feel like I'm trapped in her web of lies to her family and/or friends. I know the truth, and while I know I feel burdened to keep the truth, which I hate. I feel like as big a hypocrite as she is. How do I remedy this? I can't blow the whistle on her lies, but I also can't sit back.. where's my happy medium. There isn't one!

living arrangements..
While I love living at home, I long to be out on my own, able to spread my wings and just be an adult yet, I know full well that because of my job I have to be at home. Subbing doesn't allow me to have a consistent income that will pay rent. Add into that my lack of a car due to some wonderful person who apparently needed my car more than me (or needed its parts at least), and you have this wonderful circle of dependency.

job...
I love teaching. I love high schoolers (even when they are being a pain in the butt). I don't love subbing. I miss having my own classroom, my own kids I see everyday, being able to develop relationships, knowing where I was going to be everyday of the week for months at a time. I hate the inconsistency of this job. I hate never knowing what subject let alone school I will be teaching daily. I've thought of just moving to DC and pursuing Museum Ed. I love the east coast, and miss DC like you wouldn't believe, but picking up and leaving just can't be an option, otherwise my last year and a half's worth of grad school is down the drain because of my credential. I feel stuck.

Relationships...
Watching all my friends get married has made me long for something that is not there. I know it's all about God's timing, and I'm learning my trust lessons (more than you know) but I still can't help feeling that tug of regret on my heart. Last night my parents and I went to dinner with family friends. We were at some of their friends from when they were my age's house. My parents and these three couples used to do so much together. Many of my early childhood memories revolve around the people at the dinner table last night. As we all ate, and laughed, and talked, I thought about how I want that. I want to have couples who when Im married I can sit around the table and there's a safety, a comfort, a security with. They know you and understand you and there's no proving grounds.
I guess I'm just in one of those moods..
Now Im sure not all of my posts will be this heavy, I definitely plan to write about my subbing experiences otherwise I won't remember the "joys" of subbing, but tonight I just feel this heaviness on my heart.
The tensions and everything with the elections only seem to compound it too.
I'm just praying that God does a mighty work in these next few days in our nation.